Life's a bitch

intenseness going on before i left to holland.yes, i moved to holland last night.

saw andrea and fiona. it was really fuckin cool, we had a nice girls night at my sisters apartment with wine and grecs and joints. finally talked to fiona which i havnt done in so long, met their friend Saxon.

had the biggest scare and the biggest rage and hatred crawl down my throat and settle in my stomach. sad about how situations were left. sad about the way people act sometimes. sad about being alone once again.

happy about how good this weed is right now.

peter and cappy chilled with me in my sisters apartment for a night, they are disgusting, shoving disgusting smelly ass socks from their smelly ass feet into their own faces and being covered in that stench from the ink they put into their markers combined with the heat and the humidity of the apartment and our body heat being combined from no space and the temperature outside that im surprised didnt kill me, drinking so much wine.....so much wine. we actually had an awesome time, watchin hella movies, smoking alot, chillin with tiffany ng and her friend Raphie in a park in paris late night going down the slide on the play structure drunk as fuck.

its a crazy world, i gotta start paying more fuckin attention to whats going on.

so wow....its been so long since ive updates and there is so much to say.

im moving to holland in like two weeks. my parents rented out an apartment that has 3 floors, the top floor being my floor, with my own bathroom/shower and KITCHEN!! and a hella tight ass room where i can smoke as much weed as i want and then cruise into my kitchen and cook up some food to satisfy my stoner munchies.

its fucking boiling in paris, i took my shoes off so that my feet could air out, and i started to walk around...MISTAKE....my ass straight fuckin burned the bottom of my feet on the ground cause it was so fucking hot.

i miss alot of people and my parents are leaving for the weekend, i wanna have a Mojito night at my house but i dont know anyone who could handle it and appreciate the drinks for what they are....you dont drink them to just get drunk, its a whole experience of pleasure and bliss that needs to be recognized...and not many people i know out here have that patience which is lame....i might end up just doing it by myself and hope that i have a good time.

i got hella good grades on my BAC which is fucking superb, my parents are so much chiller with me now. im starting to organize my life a little bit more, i have a notion of what i want to do and i will be getting a job in Holland so that i can save up money to do what i want once im outta the house and outta High School.

my summer has been short but sweet, my sister is in Africa right now and i miss her terribly. im chillin hardcore with my brother and i never ever ever thought that it was possible on the face of this planet to wait for more than like a day or two to get weed but this week has proved me to be very wrong...because yes, it has been 6 days since my brothers dealer told him that we were going to get our weed, and somehow, 6 days later...we still dont have it...fuck all that bullshit, i wont have to worry about dealers anymore once i move.

Paris Plage has started which is cool, i saw some of my friends from school today and had a sad "goodbye nice knowing you" moment which always sucks but whatever....its not like i'll never see them again.

i hope that everyone is doing well and i cant wait until andrea and fiona and peter and cappy get here so that we can chill with adrienne and charles and have a true SF reunion moment......im so sad that willis and bryan are gone...you boys are my heart and soul, at least part of it cause andrea is in there too.

LOVE TO ALL!!

STRESS WILL BE THE END OF ME!!

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

im not allowed to go out anymore
i have to stay home all day and study constantly for the next 10 days
im not allowed to go to the store
im only allowed to leave the house if its to walk my dog
i havnt smoked a joint in 4 days and im jittery...i think that means that a break is needed...so i started the break now since i cant go out anyways.
im so mad and sad and anything that is negative
i have no good thoughts and that kills me
i dont have a computer anymore which means that i have no music which I SO BAD AND SAD AND UNBELIEVABLE AND MAKES ME WANNA CRY!!!!

SUDOKU SUDOKU SUDOKU SUDOKU SUDOKU! i feel you on that one drea....

bryan and willis, if your parents have to get in contact with mine, give them my mothers e-mail...... crohan9@yahoo.com

exams are coming up and i cant say fuck school.

i feel like imma collapse when i have to take them.

summer is near and for the first time in my life im not that excited about it.

im excited to see willis and bryan of course but i am not excited about starting summer and hardcore chillin and then all of a sudden ive been on vacation for two months and i have to go back to school for another year and actually think about what imma do with my life.

fuck school, an fuck having to geta job and make my own money, HOWEVER, having my own money for once is gonna be the bomb shiggidy shoo hah.

so intense intenseness...

i had all of these good ideas to write about but its been so long since ive been on livejournal, not to mention that i havnt been on the internet in so long, so i cant formulate anything the way i want to.

basically this is the most important thing i just want people to ponder over...

you are born.
you have two parents.
four granparents.
eight great grandparents.
16 great great grand parents, and so on and so forth...which means that if you start from the beginning of time, each person would have around 8 million ancestors.

given that there are around 6 billion humans walking this earth...that means that something doesnt add up. its not possible to have more ancestors than there are people on the earth...even with the whole comment of "well people die so it makes sense" no no no, according to the museum of human evolution (where i spent 3 hours today) they say that at the very base of creation, everyone is related...now as time evolves the familial connection between each person gets farther and farther apart...but is not lost.

MEANING
EVERYONE IS RELATED

MEANING
INCEST IS NECESSARY FOR EVOLUTION

ugh...weird, just knowing that there are so many people in this world on the lookout for someone to be with....and like, you're looking for a relative in a sense...i dont know it tripped me out cause ive always kinda assumed that everyone is related but i had never actually seen it demonstrated...i tripped out.

MY BABIES!!

BRYAN AND WILLIS LISTEN UP YOU HOT TOTTY LITTLE CUPCAKES...

you are both cordially invited to stay at my house from the 10th to the day you leave paris... i am going to talk to francois so that i get down to sarceau when you are there and then we will all just go to paris together and i'll bring you to my house.

AHHHHHH IM SO FUCKIN PUMPED!!!

andrea is gonna try and get up to paris with fiona when you boys will be here so that we can all crash at my place...hopefully that will all work out, but please just know that you have a place to stay with a girl who loves you both to death and misses you so much!

so ive decided that i have to be happy!!

yay yay yay for me.

my parents get back today, they've been gone for hella long and my mom should have a brand new pair of vans for me...HELLA DOWN!!!

im a nomad.
fuck, i hope i get into high school next year.
i wanna graduate and then go back to the sco, get a job and take classes at the SF culinary academy for a year and then when i turn 19 i wanna go to a college, i dunno which one or what for, most likely creative writing.

my summer is kinda of starting to come together.

bryan and willis, i want exact dates of when you guys will be here, when is the thing at sarceau? when will you be in paris? get back to me you hot ass boys!

im lost. i hate it. i dont know what im doing next year. i dont know if im going to high school. shit is helluv not organized and i seriously cant deal anymre. andrea is gone and cant come back to paris for awhile which is pissing me off cause she is what makes me smile.

I MISS BRYAN AND WILLIS LIKE CRAZY!!!

im babysitting my little niece right now. she just turned five and we had a major birthday party for her with all her friends from school. little kids are so dope... i wanna have kids one day for sure. we're watching fivel goes west, which is like one of my favorite childhood movies. so down.

HOW IS EVERYONE ELSE?

im crushin on a boy again...and he asked me out.
i dunno if imma meet him though, being disired for a while is kinda dope, haha, girls are bitches.

we ventured into the cold night air. so fucking cold outside. but determined to get drunk at the foot of the eiffel tower like we had been planning to do for weeks. half a bottle drunk at my house and a whole one downed by us when we were walking into the park right by the tower, we decided that we needed to get out of the fire line of wind and buy some crepes. waiting in line a guy in fronf of us turns around, ' you guys arent speaking french.' and indeed we werent. the dude was on tour with his band, Less Than Jake, and their tour bus was waiting for them 150 feet away from the crepe stand. the offer was made for us to go an party with them in their tour bus before they headed off the Belgium for another concert. We were even told that they might kidnap us and just take us with them to Belgium. we were takn into the back room, supplied with beer, wine and weed, with a fat ass glass bong, we kicked it in their for about 1 hour and a half....guys giving us massages, trying to fuck us, wanting to get with us or at least get a kiss out of us. it was shady, weird, intense, abnormal, amazing. we had a great ass tim, i have never ever in my whole entire life thought that i would ever kick it with some fools who used to be hella famous bck in the day, a hella old school band so i am told. i wish i knew their music, they didnt have any extra cds like andrea asked for and they were playing radiohead instead of their music....best night f my life by far and i will never forget it and im so happy that andrea was with me, our night was so surreal.

i miss people.
i miss my old life.
i miss SF.
i know im not going back to SF for awhile, and fuck that.
i hate how all livejournal posts of mine are the same, i always feel the same way and that sucks.

i thought that taking a break from livejournal for awhile would help, but as you can see its been like a month since ive posted anything, maybe less or maybe more, and yet i still talk about how im sad and how i miss my old life and how i miss my friends.

pathetic-ness.

so ive had some major shit going on in my life.
jossi is coming soon.
erik has come and we chilled and hes leaving tomorrow.
i havnt had a full week of school in like a month because of major demonstrations and protests and the lot.
my sister is depressed because her man just left for 6 months and they dunno if they're staying together or not, i hope they do...they're good together.
went to holland to look at houses case im moivng there next year.
chillin and smokin with friends alot.
getting shit clear with people that i know cause problems that are never addressed only get more frustrating and more intense and i wanna minimize the drama in my life....cause drama is fucking bullshit.
watching houd of the baskervilles right now.
been taking long metro rides and long walks and long coffees....just thinking.
put a pause on my writing but only for the moment.
imma start a kickboxing class with my sister so that we can fuck shit up if we need to and also because imagine how good it must feel to beat the shit out of a bag for awhile.
im getting closer and closer to stopping smoking, and closer and closer to moving to holland...i dunno what imma do, but i would rather take a break from smoking so that i can continue to do so ,instead of use up my whole card right now and smoke until the point when i cant enjoy it anymore.

i miss andrea and our long coffee talks with cigarettes in a cafe somewhere in paris.

ive been having really wierd dreams lately.
im really scared about what my life is going to be and what it is right now.
i seem to always be in a constant state of blur and confusion and sometimes laughter and sometimes major fucking sadness.
i feel weird about something for some reason everyday, and everyday i dont know what it is or how it got there...and i keep on thinking its school, but im starting to think its something alot more prfound than that, and i think its one of those things that you just have to deal with everyday until it goes away...and you never find out what it is...sucks.

i wanna go back to the sco so much, but at the same time i wanna be as far away as possible from it.
i dont wanna be in paris anymore and i think im moving to holland next year...but i think that im gonna stop smoking soon, bad timing on my part.

im writing two different stories and a screenplay right now. i feel good about all three projects and im really excited about what i could do with it.

i just wish that i could find out what this pit in my stomach is....cause it fuckin kills me more and more everyday....i feel old and out of place, but young and totally where i should be at the same time.

"i dont know" seems to be the main phrase in my vocabulary right now.

I GOT A BACKSTAGE PASS TO GO SEE DAMIEN MARLEY IN CONCERT LAST NIGHT!!! I WENT BY MYSELF AND BUMMED A FREE WAY IN AND WALKED INTO THE ROOM RIGHT WHEN HIS SET STARTED AND HE PLAYED MY FAVORTIE SONG AND I DIDNT EVEN NEED TO HAVE A JOINT CAUSE THERE WERE SO MANY PEOPLE SMOKING IN THERE!!! SO HIGH SO HAPPY, BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE...i almost cried when he started singing my favorite song...i couldnt believe it!!!!
HES SO FINE TOO


i want a boyfriend but whatever.
im in a weird place right now.
i hope i see jossi when hes here.
andrea is coming tomorrow and on friday im taking her out to a brazilian restaurant with hot brazilian waiters and then to a bar where we will get drunker than we do at dinner.

I MISS YOU BRYAN!

UUUUGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!

SOFIA IS NOT HAPPY!!

i dont even wanna get into it.
whatever, it doesnt even matter.
fuck it.

i think im moving to the hague next year.
legal weed.
international high school.
all the kids are from the states or australia or england basically, with shades of gray.

i cant do this whole french high school thing, its freaking me out, i cant take it anymore.
my parents are being shady and un cool and not understanding of just the general feel of our whole family vibe, they're really pissing me off but im dealing i guess.

andrea is supposed to be in paris soon, i wanna see her so bad, i saw her two weeks ago and i already mimss her soo much its killing me.

hella shit is goin down with me at skool, people are starting to try to take me into their lives and their problems and their drama.....NOT FUCKIN DOWN!! im dealing with it well though, whats happeneing is that none of these kids know who i am or what i can do or how i can act. they dont know what im like when i get pissed, and ive started to get pissed and people are scared already, its really weird...but its sorting out alot of my problems which is all i care about, i dont wanna be hung up on all this bullshit and if that means cutting out some people then thats what it means....i cant do the social thing anymore, i did it too much last year and now its starting to get to me. i take care of people all the fucking time and instead of getting a thank you or some help back...i get no recognition or worse....and i dont roll like that anymore. fuck that shit.

i went to this play thing that my sisters boyfriend did with his school, it was in a big ass warehouse, they turned it into a labyrinthe type deal and in every room there was a little skit to see, it was hella dope, it was a hommage to Klaus Nomi....hahahah, klaus nomi is great.

anyways....its 11:34 pm and im watching wedding crashers so i will come anon.

i didnt know that i was gonna be able to come down and visit andrea and peter, but i ended up doing it right after i came back from london which made me reallly happy and im having a great time doing it and i dont wanna leave and i dont wanna go back to school.

i think i may have had the best day of my life with andrea and peter the other day. we woke up and biked into town...I FUCKING HATE BIKES AND I CANT BELIEVE I LET HER GET ME ON ONE!!! i know that she already described what we did that day so i will not go through it again because you would just be reading the same thing and that has no point, I LOVE HER MORE AND MORE EVERY MINUTE OF THE DAY!

i leave on tuesday to go back to paris, it'll be valentines day then and i have to immediately go over to my brothers and watch my niece so that my brother and his girlie can go out and have a good loving and emotional night of fun and then sex of course....god forbid i could fuckin be with someone on valentines day.....but whatever, im not even trippin about that anymore.

i have so much homework and i dont wanna do any of it...i have to get off for andreas mom right now, even though they said i could stay on imma get off anyways...

vacation rules

i havnt updated in livejournal in a really long time.
its my birthday tomorrow and im sad cause i didnt get to go see andrea for hers and its the first time in a really long time that we havnt spent our birthdays together.

however,
IM IN LONDON!!!! for the first time in my life im in london with my parents and my mom has taken me shopping ALOT, theres an urban outfitters here that i had no idea about.

im turning 17 in less than 24 hours.scary.

im on vacation right now for the next two weeks, well week and a half. maybe i can weasle my way into getting to see andrea after all, that would make me so happy.

birthdays are so overrated.....that rules, hah.

i really wanna listen to the beatles right now but my cd player broke and i dont even have my cds so i guess thats a lost cause.

i miss san fransisco, but jossi sent me an e-mail the other day telling me when he was coming to france and i quote: ' im comin to get ya honey!',hahaha, that fool cracks me up. zacky is gonna be in france like end of june, im so excited and sophie and rachel are coming and im gonna go down to francois chateau to see anthony and set him straight, i dont know when imma do that but it'll be soon.

i think my parents wanna go on a guided tour of the city....can we say fuckin tourist!?!?!? then again, there is no way to see this whole place by yourself in 4 days so i guess they have a point, they only wanna go so that i can see the city anyways.

i went to the chinatown here and bought hella poppers that imma give andrea and i found all the candy that i used to buy in the chinatown in SF too, it made me smile.
ive been doin really good for a while now. im happy. i love you all. i miss you all. i wanna see you all. im getting scared about school. i need help that i cant get. i want a cigarette. i want a joint, i havnt smoked in 8 days, and now i want to, but i dont need to, lets just make that clear.

i feel like im doomed to stay here and never go back to the states.

my parents are being so unclear and so unfair and fuckin around with my hopes and my feelings and its really pissing me off.

IF YOU SAY THAT I CAN GO BACK FOR MY SPRING BREAK THEN YOU BETTER FUCKING LET ME GO!!

yet somehow they decided to really be big intense piece of shit bitches and NOT let me go back for my spring break.

i cant even explain my discontent.

andrea and all my friends here are telling me that i need to talk to theo and see what the deal is. i dont think that there is a deal but apparently everyone is seeing one except for me....im gonna end up biting the bullet and talking to him and prolly making a fool of myself.

its been snowing pretty much all day. not very hard, but its snow all the same.
my brother bought me a big ass piece of hache which he gave to me today....so down!
im watching fargo right now...steve buscemi is so fugly hahaha.

its soo cold here...im never actually just fucking warm and comfortable, there is always a part of my body that is freezing, and im sick of taking showers and having my little toes burn because the hot water is scorching them from fuckin freezing to really warm so quickly.

theo's been coming over to chill...i feel like i never even had a vacation, nothing has really changed.
didnt get to see andrea today which kinda brought me down but shit....thats what it means when one person goes to school and the other doesnt.

fuck.

i love the fact that i have a dvd player now, makes my life so much easier and i was getting tired of always have to watch the same vhs movies that ive seena thousand times over again.